Thursday, January 26, 2012

Preschool Line Vigilante

I learn new things all the time. I wasn’t born this goddamn brilliant, you know. I think it’s important to be humble, and accept that everyday offers something new to learn. Here are some things I’ve learned recently. Get ready to receive this gift of my brain.


  1. When someone on a cell phone walks into the room and sees you (or you walk into their room), and the next thing they say is “Uh..yeah…so…… anyway…” Rest assured. They WERE talking about you. They were likely saying how annoying and fat you are.
  2. No matter how old I get, the word “pubes” always makes me laugh.
  3. Few things are as frightening and vicious as the line at preschool pickup. New moms, you have been forewarned.
  4. I just realized that I’m probably not ever going to be super famous, and this makes me drink more wine.
  5. When you’re at home doing Mom stuff, and, all of the sudden, you can’t hear your kids, something very bad is happening. The lack of noise is like a silent alarm that these harbingers of destruction have just completed their most recent project. Within seconds, you are going to have a Chernobyl –caliber meltdown. Locate booze immediately. 
  6. The Magic Eraser is not magical…at all.
  7. The scary bug in the corner of the laundry room is plotting… I’m not sure what he’s plotting, but it’s clear it will be epically diabolical. It played dead until I was inches away, then it lunged at me and laughed maniacally. It's now in a new corner. Avoidance is key when it comes to all insects.
  8. I am an Oxy-Clean junkie. If it says Oxy-Clean anywhere on it’s label, I will purchase it. No questions asked.
  9. Uggs are just expensive lazy shoes. They’re just an incremental step from leaving your house in a robe and slippers. Uggs say “I’m a recluse who just emerged from my carpeted cave and have no idea what the weather is like out there, and what footwear would be most appropriate, so I’m just going to go with these snow boots, and hope that it’s not snowing.”
10.    I’m reading a book about an Iraq war veteran who is now a vigilante against the drug war. I just know I would be an AMAZING vigilante. If you need some covert ops stuff done, I’m pretty sure I am the woman to call. Trust me. I wear Uggs.

11. I'm not smart enough to figure out how to cut/paste/link/import/ bedazzle from Word, so my spacing has gone to shit.
12. I am smart enough...It's probably laziness. Yes. Laziness. I wear Uggs. I only clean my bathroom mirror like once a month. I'm lazy.
 

2 comments:

  1. Word to the wise: Magic Erasers may not remove filth from bathtubs like they do on the commercial, but they will peal your skin off like it ain't no thang when you try to magically erase a permanent marker tattoo from your forearm. I learned that the hard way. Oh, and I only hire vigilantes who wear Crocs because I need to without a doubt that my hired thugs are as mentally unstable as possible.

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  2. Magic Erasers will remove your epidermis. Check. I will add that pearl to my wisdom bank. Thank you. Oh- and I agree. Nothing says "I have a undiagnosed mental illness" like a pair of Crocs. Especially lime green ones. And orange ones.

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