Zoo and MENSA

I’ve e written countless blurbs over the last month or two, but nothing I see is ever fit to “publish”. Publish. Then I realized something… My ego was totally interfering with my potential creative genius. How many people in the world are eagerly anticipating reading the gold covered pearls of wisdom that are my written thoughts???….  Um  ZERO!!!!. Yay! That lets me off the hook! Now I can spew typed nonsense all over this crazy bloggy page!

So today my brother and I took my kids to the zoo. Sam is almost three (next month is the big day), and Drew is one year and 4 months, (sixteen months if you speak Mom jabber.) I love the zoo. Crappy- ass Phoenix Zoo is still a zoo, and therefore pretty damn cool. I believe in teaching my kids that the planet is one that we share.. with trees, oceans, and animals. It’s the ignorant and selfish humans that make this planet the armpit of our solar system. I guess I’ll save the “piece of shit human” talk till they’re.. five or something. Anyway, I thought I’d make sure we learned a thing or two at the zoo while we were there.

My hopes for an inspirational lesson were blown up in my face pretty quickly when Sam decided she wanted to explore every public restroom the zoo had to offer. Flush every gross toilet, and turn on the hand dryer every damn time. In between restroom visits she chased the bacteria infested pigeons around screaming “Crocodile!!!” in her best monster voice. 

“Sam! Look! It’s a jaguar!!! Sam? Sam?”  I turn around to see my genius child talking to the water spickett.

Drew wasn’t any better. He’s teething. He just wants something cold and soft, and the rest of the world can blow up for all he cares.

The whole trip was basically my brother and I trying to:

1)Keep Drew from screaming so loud that the animals retreat to their safety houses

2) Keep Sam from contracting a communicable disease

All parents think their kid(s) is the holy trinity of Zeus, Einstein, and Mother Theresa incarnate.  The truth is that even Einstein and Mother Theresa were once toddlers.( maybe Zeus.. I don’t know my mythology that well. ) Toddlers are not all that bright, and they are very filthy little creatures. They tend to solve problems with boogers, screaming, and hiding. They are not very effective negotiators, and I find them to be awful dressers.

My point of all this is that kids are kids. They’ll have their moments, just as adults do. It’s the loony parents that are hell bent on MENSA that are pissing the rest of us off, and completely defeating their own children. Let kids be messy..dumb..smelly, ill coordinated. It’s the only time in life when it’s completely acceptable.

PS- My kids really are the smartest and best dressed. If there was a super awesome kid contest, my kids would win over the entire earth.