Frankenbitch

"Just don't look at it".
"Okay, but I already saw it. It's burned into my retinas."
"ha ha ha. No, but seriously... your rash looks worse. Just breathe and relax."
"I'm trying to relax. I'm in a doctors office waiting for the doc to come in and take a needle full of toxin and inject it into my face. Pretty sure this is as relaxed as you're going to get out of me."

Then the doc walks in and gives me the speal about possible side effects, good and bad. I know all of this stuff. I've done all my research. I could've probably schooled on him on some stuff. Instead of listening, I’m tuning him out, trying to find my happy place. My happy place is very far away. Instead my glazed over face is hiding an intense disgust for myself. Why am I here? I'm a Chandler housewife, not a Scottsdale Frankenbitch.

It's a slippery slope, vanity. First you're getting a chemical peel, next thing you know, and you’re a card-carrying member of your plastic surgeons "beauty club". Oh my dear God. I have hit terminal velocity. No turning back. I am the superficial monster I have always made fun of. Mother Nature is watching, and she is PISSED. I have made a mockery of her privileged aging process. She is now going to strike me with cancer or AIDS or Spontaneous Human Combustion. I am going to die because of my vanity. Vanity is one of the 7 DEADLY sins for a reason.. I am beyond disa......

"I'm done. Wasn't so bad was it?"
"Ummmm. NO! That was... painless! Wow!"
"The results won't be evident for about a week, and will probably last 10-12 weeks."

"Awesome!! See you in March!!"


Don't judge me. Unless you think I look good...then resume judgment. The good kind.  :)

My List (s)

In this time of lists, I have compiled a list of my own. I have both an awesome list and a not awesome list.

 Consider this a public service announcement. Merry Christmas.

PS-  I have no idea WTF is going on with this spacing.... I am too damn lazy to fix it. Sorry.

   The AWESOME

      The uninvited slutty drunk at the party.

 This is a goddamn goldmine. Pure entertainment. They come in all shapes and sizes.            All of them awesome. I want to see more of them.

The crazy lights house

I’m sure many will disagree, but anyone who spends that much time and money to make their house look like a Vegas marquee…well they’re probably pretty damn awesome…..or dumb. I’ll take awesome.

The food… and the alcohol

I’m not going to lie. The food is always amazing this time of year, but all the holiday cocktails are pretty amazing too. Eggnog anyone? Brownies, apple pie, peppermint ice cream, pumpkin pie, brownies. Sweet decadent delightful Christmas.  I may end up 12 pounds heavier on New Years Day, but it was SO much delicious fun. Besides, January is all about the gym...and anorexia.

Those terrible sweaters

I’m not talking about those parties where you purposely wear them. I’m talking about that random sighting- that old guy at the gas station wearing the one with puffy snowflakes and a flying reindeer on it. Happy happy sweater. These always make me smile.

My kids’ smiles

It’s Christmas and its fun! Yup. That super happy “my face might actually crack and the smile will continue off my face” smile. It doesn’t get any better than that.

The opposite of awesome

The word “naughty”

I realize that, again, I may be in the minority here, but I find that word to be completely lame. It’s what British nannies and old perverts say. If we all band together as a united front, I’m sure Webster will remove it. The movement begins now!!

That awful Empire lady.

You know. That woman with the giant mouth hawking carpet. God awful all year round and in December she decides to grace us with her angelic voice as she tries to belt out a line from a Christmas carol. Stop. Just Stop.

The “Christmas doesn’t have enough Jesus” people.

The SUPER Christians that get back on their old soap boxes that squawk about how we’ve all lost our connection to the meaning of the season. Shut up. You have a national holiday for the birth of your lord, (that more than half the world celebrates as well), and you think that maybe we forgot? REALLY? I can count 4 nativity scenes on my street alone. We all know about Jesus. He was a standup guy. We haven’t forgotten about him or his birthday.

The Amnesty International/ Humane Society commercials.

I fucking HATE these commercials. They seem to be a LOT more prevalent during the holidays. Here I am trying to have a good time, drink, be jolly and forget about Jesus and you shove me with these damn depressing images. NOT enough that this shit actually exists, but now you have to give me a play by play set to Sarah McLouglin music? You suck. My eyes are now imploding with tears and I want to hang myself from my stocking hook. Way to kill the mood, fuckers.

The cop waiting outside in the bar parking lot

I’m not sure if entrapment is a legal reality, but this would be it’s definition. In the state of Arizona, where Benedryl can get you a ticket, there are millions upon gadjillions of tickets written and arrests made in the holiday season. When this cop gets back to the station and compares his arrest log to his peers, these bar parking lot ones should only be worth half the points. Where’s the sport in that? Did you even try to use your cop skills? Fish in a barrel.

The mall parking lot car stalker.

In a time of peace, I want to get out of my car, open your car door and punch you for 7 consecutive minutes. If you really think it’s okay to hold up a half a mile of cars waiting for that parking spot, when the mom with 4 kids hasn’t even GOT to her car… You need to be placed in a town center then drawn and quartered. I decided.

I'm sure you quickly noticed that my awesome list is shorter than my not awesome list. This isn’t because I’m an angry, negative person. I’m actually a very nice person…most days. I’ll chalk the imbalance up to obvious suppression. I’m a stay at home mother of a 3 and 1 year old. 

A serious one...sorry.

Bullying seems to be the media buzz word right now. I’m hearing so many tragic stories that begin with unkind words, and escalate to suicide. It makes me tear up every time I read these news articles. 

High School was HELL for me. I mean HELL. I cried every week I endured of that nightmare place. Then, when I graduated, I REALLY cried..tears of happiness. I was finally going to be free of that entire community of ridiculing, snarky assholes.

Fast forward to today, 20 years later. I am moderately successful. I have a wonderful husband, and 2 beautiful, healthy children. I live a comfortable lifestyle that affords me everything I need without worry. I have also grown out of a terribly awkward phase to be a moderately attractive adult.  I have worked very hard to put a painful time in my life in the far off past. Not in my bathroom mirror, but in my rearview mirror. So… why am I still haunted by high school? At LEAST 3 times a month I have a flashback high school dream. I am always the first to be picked on and the last to be picked up for a team. I always wake up totally depressed and incredibly insecure.

This brings me to my next point. High school, it seems, is when the bulk of your personality is cemented. Your Id, your psyche- all of it is at molding stages.

So… why aren’t we teaching our kids to be kind?

Isn’t THIS lesson the one that should trump all others? The Golden Rule anyone?

Sure. Our kids need an education in the school of reality/hard knocks. They also need to be taught manners and socially acceptable behavior. Kindness is essential in both of these lessons.

I’m not talking about your bratty seven year old. That’s obvious. She told Suzy that she looks like a poodle with her new haircut. You tell her that she needs to apologize to Suzy and invite her over to play.  

I’m talking about your sharp- tongued 14 year old. The one that said that if he had a dog that looked like Suzy, he’d kick it and then piss on it. THAT stuff stings. Apologies are often too late in coming, if at all. Suzy WILL remember that, and I would be mortified and ashamed if I ever found out my kid was the one who said that. A giant FAILURE in the parenting department.

 I believe, as a parent, this is my number one lesson. I need to keep my children, healthy and KIND. I will not shelter my children from public and all the indignities it sometimes thrusts on you. I, instead will arm them with confidence, and a fair warning—the world is full of assholes who think that putting others down is cool. That, many times, this is their cruel version of seeking the same kind of approval that everyone else is.

I’m yammering on right now, but it just makes me angry that, as parents, we have forgotten that our children’s being smart or attractive should ALWAYS take a back seat to being kind. Just food for thought.

Don't Give a Fuck

When you read that title you kinda thought I was bad-ass, didn’t you? Don’t you just love that phrase? I do. I really love it. Not that I’m partial to swearing, I just really love that quote. It conveys something SO much more than “I could care less.” Six year olds say that to their mom when she tries to withhold desert, for not eating vegetables. When someone says “I don’t give a fuck,” you are listening. Admit it. You are thinking, "Who is this person? They must really not care about mundane things, like swearing, and clean socks, because their mind is occupied with other superior and intensely interesting things. This person is probably a very awesome individual. I bet they are super smart and creative, and probably make Tiramisu without a recipe and have a degree in organic chemistry or something.”

You may not have these exact thoughts, but you know what I mean. 

Despite my adoration for this quote, I don’t think I’ve ever used it. I mean, maybe when I was 15, (and trying on the “sullen indifference” for my friends approval), but, really, I can’t recall ever saying it. I realize that I’ve always wanted to not give a fuck. Quite the opposite, I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life constantly giving a fuck. In nearly every area of my life, I have constantly sought approval from family, friends, and people who I wanted to be my friends. My life has nearly revolved around my constant macrocosm of worry. This is incredibly exhausting, and, I think we can all agree, a very pathetic way to be, and in stark contrast to Not Giving a Fuck.

I aspire to be that person who doesn’t give a fuck. Jeans just a little too tight- highlighting a growing muffin-top? Don’t give a fuck. The car has just enough gas to get where I’m going, and might die upon re-starting? Don’t give a fuck. Accepting a dinner invite at 9:00, despite having to get up the next morning at 5? Don’t give a fuck. WOW!!! Can you imagine this mindset? How liberating!!! Maybe I’ll wear my favorite t shirt to the grocery store, despite the grease stain on my left boob. Yeah! Don’t give a fuck!!!

Within socially acceptable guidelines, not giving a fuck is a fucking AWESOME way to be. I will try, (at least for the next 24 hours), to not give a fuck. If anyone tries to stand in my way, I will tell them to go fuck themselves. That one’s a good one too.

Zoo and MENSA

I’ve e written countless blurbs over the last month or two, but nothing I see is ever fit to “publish”. Publish. Then I realized something… My ego was totally interfering with my potential creative genius. How many people in the world are eagerly anticipating reading the gold covered pearls of wisdom that are my written thoughts???….  Um  ZERO!!!!. Yay! That lets me off the hook! Now I can spew typed nonsense all over this crazy bloggy page!

So today my brother and I took my kids to the zoo. Sam is almost three (next month is the big day), and Drew is one year and 4 months, (sixteen months if you speak Mom jabber.) I love the zoo. Crappy- ass Phoenix Zoo is still a zoo, and therefore pretty damn cool. I believe in teaching my kids that the planet is one that we share.. with trees, oceans, and animals. It’s the ignorant and selfish humans that make this planet the armpit of our solar system. I guess I’ll save the “piece of shit human” talk till they’re.. five or something. Anyway, I thought I’d make sure we learned a thing or two at the zoo while we were there.

My hopes for an inspirational lesson were blown up in my face pretty quickly when Sam decided she wanted to explore every public restroom the zoo had to offer. Flush every gross toilet, and turn on the hand dryer every damn time. In between restroom visits she chased the bacteria infested pigeons around screaming “Crocodile!!!” in her best monster voice. 

“Sam! Look! It’s a jaguar!!! Sam? Sam?”  I turn around to see my genius child talking to the water spickett.

Drew wasn’t any better. He’s teething. He just wants something cold and soft, and the rest of the world can blow up for all he cares.

The whole trip was basically my brother and I trying to:

1)Keep Drew from screaming so loud that the animals retreat to their safety houses

2) Keep Sam from contracting a communicable disease

All parents think their kid(s) is the holy trinity of Zeus, Einstein, and Mother Theresa incarnate.  The truth is that even Einstein and Mother Theresa were once toddlers.( maybe Zeus.. I don’t know my mythology that well. ) Toddlers are not all that bright, and they are very filthy little creatures. They tend to solve problems with boogers, screaming, and hiding. They are not very effective negotiators, and I find them to be awful dressers.

My point of all this is that kids are kids. They’ll have their moments, just as adults do. It’s the loony parents that are hell bent on MENSA that are pissing the rest of us off, and completely defeating their own children. Let kids be messy..dumb..smelly, ill coordinated. It’s the only time in life when it’s completely acceptable.

PS- My kids really are the smartest and best dressed. If there was a super awesome kid contest, my kids would win over the entire earth.

Captains Log- Day 1

So... hi.
If you're actually reading my blog, I'm sorry. If you're my mom or husband or someone expecting something important from this blog- again, I am sorry.

I'm blogging because I am bored and need another project. The lame garage sale "project" has been done and over with for about 3 weeks. 

My hopes for this blog are as follows:
1- You will be informed (of what, I don't know)
2- You will think I am a super intelligent being sent from the planet Smartsoplexy
3- You will like me
4- You will like me so much that you buy/make me cookies

My fears for this blog are as follows:
1-You will hate me
2- You will think I am nearly retarded, and wonder how a being with the intelligence of a starfish managed to type..or start a blog
3- You will think I'm an arrogant person who is so full of herself that she feels her thoughts are meant to be read by the mass community.
4- Number three is correct
5- You will think that I'm fat.

I have nothing more to share at this time.
I need to get dressed.

Peace out.