Frankenbitch

"Just don't look at it".
"Okay, but I already saw it. It's burned into my retinas."
"ha ha ha. No, but seriously... your rash looks worse. Just breathe and relax."
"I'm trying to relax. I'm in a doctors office waiting for the doc to come in and take a needle full of toxin and inject it into my face. Pretty sure this is as relaxed as you're going to get out of me."

Then the doc walks in and gives me the speal about possible side effects, good and bad. I know all of this stuff. I've done all my research. I could've probably schooled on him on some stuff. Instead of listening, I’m tuning him out, trying to find my happy place. My happy place is very far away. Instead my glazed over face is hiding an intense disgust for myself. Why am I here? I'm a Chandler housewife, not a Scottsdale Frankenbitch.

It's a slippery slope, vanity. First you're getting a chemical peel, next thing you know, and you’re a card-carrying member of your plastic surgeons "beauty club". Oh my dear God. I have hit terminal velocity. No turning back. I am the superficial monster I have always made fun of. Mother Nature is watching, and she is PISSED. I have made a mockery of her privileged aging process. She is now going to strike me with cancer or AIDS or Spontaneous Human Combustion. I am going to die because of my vanity. Vanity is one of the 7 DEADLY sins for a reason.. I am beyond disa......

"I'm done. Wasn't so bad was it?"
"Ummmm. NO! That was... painless! Wow!"
"The results won't be evident for about a week, and will probably last 10-12 weeks."

"Awesome!! See you in March!!"


Don't judge me. Unless you think I look good...then resume judgment. The good kind.  :)

My List (s)

In this time of lists, I have compiled a list of my own. I have both an awesome list and a not awesome list.

 Consider this a public service announcement. Merry Christmas.

PS-  I have no idea WTF is going on with this spacing.... I am too damn lazy to fix it. Sorry.

   The AWESOME

      The uninvited slutty drunk at the party.

 This is a goddamn goldmine. Pure entertainment. They come in all shapes and sizes.            All of them awesome. I want to see more of them.

The crazy lights house

I’m sure many will disagree, but anyone who spends that much time and money to make their house look like a Vegas marquee…well they’re probably pretty damn awesome…..or dumb. I’ll take awesome.

The food… and the alcohol

I’m not going to lie. The food is always amazing this time of year, but all the holiday cocktails are pretty amazing too. Eggnog anyone? Brownies, apple pie, peppermint ice cream, pumpkin pie, brownies. Sweet decadent delightful Christmas.  I may end up 12 pounds heavier on New Years Day, but it was SO much delicious fun. Besides, January is all about the gym...and anorexia.

Those terrible sweaters

I’m not talking about those parties where you purposely wear them. I’m talking about that random sighting- that old guy at the gas station wearing the one with puffy snowflakes and a flying reindeer on it. Happy happy sweater. These always make me smile.

My kids’ smiles

It’s Christmas and its fun! Yup. That super happy “my face might actually crack and the smile will continue off my face” smile. It doesn’t get any better than that.

The opposite of awesome

The word “naughty”

I realize that, again, I may be in the minority here, but I find that word to be completely lame. It’s what British nannies and old perverts say. If we all band together as a united front, I’m sure Webster will remove it. The movement begins now!!

That awful Empire lady.

You know. That woman with the giant mouth hawking carpet. God awful all year round and in December she decides to grace us with her angelic voice as she tries to belt out a line from a Christmas carol. Stop. Just Stop.

The “Christmas doesn’t have enough Jesus” people.

The SUPER Christians that get back on their old soap boxes that squawk about how we’ve all lost our connection to the meaning of the season. Shut up. You have a national holiday for the birth of your lord, (that more than half the world celebrates as well), and you think that maybe we forgot? REALLY? I can count 4 nativity scenes on my street alone. We all know about Jesus. He was a standup guy. We haven’t forgotten about him or his birthday.

The Amnesty International/ Humane Society commercials.

I fucking HATE these commercials. They seem to be a LOT more prevalent during the holidays. Here I am trying to have a good time, drink, be jolly and forget about Jesus and you shove me with these damn depressing images. NOT enough that this shit actually exists, but now you have to give me a play by play set to Sarah McLouglin music? You suck. My eyes are now imploding with tears and I want to hang myself from my stocking hook. Way to kill the mood, fuckers.

The cop waiting outside in the bar parking lot

I’m not sure if entrapment is a legal reality, but this would be it’s definition. In the state of Arizona, where Benedryl can get you a ticket, there are millions upon gadjillions of tickets written and arrests made in the holiday season. When this cop gets back to the station and compares his arrest log to his peers, these bar parking lot ones should only be worth half the points. Where’s the sport in that? Did you even try to use your cop skills? Fish in a barrel.

The mall parking lot car stalker.

In a time of peace, I want to get out of my car, open your car door and punch you for 7 consecutive minutes. If you really think it’s okay to hold up a half a mile of cars waiting for that parking spot, when the mom with 4 kids hasn’t even GOT to her car… You need to be placed in a town center then drawn and quartered. I decided.

I'm sure you quickly noticed that my awesome list is shorter than my not awesome list. This isn’t because I’m an angry, negative person. I’m actually a very nice person…most days. I’ll chalk the imbalance up to obvious suppression. I’m a stay at home mother of a 3 and 1 year old.